I’ll trade you.
September 21, 2010 § Leave a comment
Scattered landscapes and unknown destinations mark my horizon
A jagged kind of beautiful.
Which mountain will I climb today and which face will I fall off tomorrow.
Forgotten loneliness has remembered me and I am just a voice in the darkness.
Where is my ghost, where is my dream.
My mind has stolen the song inside and instead a suffocated scream escapes from my throat as I bury my head into my pillow asking why.
When did I become the martyr who forgot his feelings for the sake of others.
When did I become the wound that would not heal.
Depression knocks yet again, as I stare at this snow covered plain before me.
My breath seems to betray me as I it freezes inside my lungs.
I break open, into a thousand pieces. Time and time again.
Heaven help me. For I have become deaf to the sound of your heart beat.
My minds eye is clouded by the faint, distant screams from an army of ghosts.
This is where the gloves come off. On this page I will fight back my boyish weakness and make a stand.
Tell me devil, have you no other tricks. No other plot against me. Must you bother me with hardship time and time again.
Maybe it’s because it’s the only thing that pierces the veil.
Well, you were damned for a reason and I damn you again.
I’ve got more then blood then you could ever manage to spill.
For these nights bleed into days as I stare at the white wall beside me.
And wonder where she could be. If she’s even there.
How can I ever expect a heart to hear me when I can’t even hear myself.
Tragic. For I know what must be done but yet I cannot do it.
I need something real, something tangible. Something that makes sense.
I have been stomped on, spit on, forgotten, taken for granted, used, confided in, and cursed.
For others and their hearts.
Yet here I sit, not needed. Not missed.
I want the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up
I want my breath to get caught in my throat.
I want to see a smile that could make the beauty of this world seem so trivial that I would walk off the edge of this world to capture it.
Tell me messenger, why do you come night after night.
Bringing me a blank page.
Am I to write my own ending? Am I to end my own pain?
Strange how the words that roll off my fingers aren’t thought through but seem to make sense.
A frustrated rambler who has lost all sense of peace.
I have nobody who I am willing to show all of myself to anymore. Those I once did, cast me aside for the very pleasure I yearn for.
Now I am just the ground on which they stand.
No no please, next month is fine. No I insist I will let you cry to me one last time, oh I assure you I enjoy every curse out of your mouth.
If they all only knew that I took on their pain, that I felt my heart rip as theirs did. Ask me how that’s possible and I cannot give you an answer.
I can only say that I forgot myself. I became the graveyard where they laid their days worth of screams and tears to rest.
I finally gave way and I could not separate myself from it anymore.
I felt each lie, each scream.
I felt what it was like to be betrayed. To be forgotten.
I FELT IT ALL.
I felt what it was like to be used.
I felt what it was like to only get the half truth.
Lying awake at night my heart got shredded by the stagnant silence surrounding me.
It’s 4 am and I am ready to rip a whole through the next chest that comes through my door.
But then again, it’s 4 am and none of this may make sense in the morning.
When my demons have gone to sleep.