How it feels*

December 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

Christmas time. A time for family, friends, good food and reflection. But among the smiles, the laughs and the good times I have found out…

I can still get lonely.

I’m 23, I’m coming off of a tough couple of months. Drank way to much. Tried to beat the stress by making sure I had a bottle in my hand almost every day of the week. This is something I am not proud of. I think it also has something to do with the fact that I can’t seem to outrun a familiar but un-welcome  companion. Lonliness.

I know it’s Christmas, I know it’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year. I get it. But for some reason, being here in my child hood home for too long hurts. I love my family, as screwed up as we are. If I had any friends it might be easier but I’m afraid that here in Houston B.C I don’t.

Why can’t I verbalize what I am feeling. Why is it so hard to put a name to it. This dark, mysterious, lingering pain is beginning to really bother me. Why does it become so much more apperant here. This is supposed to be a time to forget all of the shit that piles up in real life. A time where everything is almost make believe. But it’s not. Not for me.

I am not saying that I am having no fun at all, I am not saying that I am depressed. I am simply trying to pull this metaphorical sliver out of the tip of my finger so I can go on with my holiday and relax. I think I know what the problem is.

I want to be able to share this with somebody. I want to be able to share life with somebody again. But to be honest. Even if the oppurtunity presented it’s self to me. I would have a hell of a time trying to make it work. So a question I pose to myself now is. If it couldn’t work anyway, why wish for it.

Guess it’s time for me to man up.

Merry Christmas.

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